It's always in the back of my mind...and sometimes on the forefront. I feel it when I am out shopping & laying in bed at home. Something is missing. She is missing and it isn't the same. It never will be...at least not on this earth.
The three of us cuddled up together in bed last night and I just couldn't help but cry. She should be there stuck right smack dab in the middle of us...she was a year ago. She was perfectly curled up on my chest sleeping so peacefully. She had Scott "pinned down" and wrapped around her tiny little finger. (You would be amazed at the strength he swears she had...able to keep a grown man stuck to the sofa for hours! Who am I kidding though? She did it to me, too.)
I attempted to shop for our newest little one. I am in love with a brand called Kissy Kissy...Annabelle and Wyatt wore it lots. It is the softest, sweetest little layette clothing. I thought after Monday's appointment that I was ready to get excited a little. I know we still have a long way to go and more tests to be done but I wanted to celebrate. I love to dress my children so clothing it was. I hit a precious little boutique just down the road that carries my favorite baby brand...the same boutique that I purchased Annabelle's coming home outfit from...gown, bonnet, blanket & booties. It's mostly for little girls but I thought I remembered some sweet baby boy things. So, I went...alone. I stayed away from the girl clothes knowing that I would find something perfect for my little girl and never have the opportunity to dress her in it. I try to remind myself in those moments that these are earthly treasures and she is wearing dresses smocked with gold thread and adorned with gems I've never seen. It helps a little but, to me, she is still missing...missing from my arms and missing from the picture that others see when they see our family... and there is a huge void that can only be filled by her.
I am missing her more today knowing that I am only one week away from the moment she was carried away to Paradise. And I am here...without her...missing her and everything she is to me.