Thursday, May 27, 2010


I am willing to bet that some of you have often wondered just how I am really doing with my grief.  I seem to be joyful with a new baby and, for the most part, I am.  I am reminded every moment that I spend with my Luke of the ultimate redemption we will all experience as believers.  He is a sweet little reminder of that. 

But, I still grieve. Deeply. 

I read a while back that losing a child is like an amputation.  There is a part of me that will never be replaced.  That I will never get back…at least on this side of Eternity.

My grief seems to wander a little and feel further away at times.  Other times, it hits me like an avalanche out of nowhere…especially at those times that I thought I had held it at bay.  But, in complete honesty, I am realizing more and more that my grief is closer than I think.  It’s just easy to camouflage.

It doesn’t take much when it does come around to force me into a puddle on the ground rocking my baby girl’s picture and softly stroking the glass frame that holds her.   I am fully aware that my heart is deeply wounded.

More often that I’d like to admit, the enemy rips into me and sets the anger, jealousy and hate into motion.  He gets me at my weakest.  He uses calculating tactics.  He preys on knowing that I am reserved with my emotions.  He wants to see the anger mount.  And the jealousy consume me.  And the hatred destroy all that has been built. 

But friends, I can’t let that happen…even when I want to give up and completely give in.  In light of all that is wrong and unfair, I can’t let the enemy win. 

This war has already been won.

Because HE came.

Because HE was crucified.

Because HE conquered.

And although I will have grief, I have a GOD who is bigger than it.  

And that is all I need to know to get through…


Evie's Story said...

Dearest Rebecca
YOu came to mind as I was reading Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" this week. He was talking about our brokenness and heartache in our lives that we can allow to make us bitter...or better. You are a shining example of the latter.
Your heart honors Him Rebecca, even when your grief overwhelms you.

Thanks for sharing your heart...and a window into how to direct prayers. Love you dearly!

Kacy said...

You always seem to know exactly when to touch my heart! I have been very anxious lately about Mary Clare's heart cath and plans for her Fontan, trying to ignore it, actually, because when I do face it, I become angry and bitter. Thank you, once again, for giving me your shining example of what it truly means to allow God to be in control, even when it is so very difficult.

Ashlee Tomes said...

AMEN! So true...

Ashlee :)

Rachaellh said...

Thank you for these words today about grief. Monday, May 31st, would be my daughter's 4th birthday and my heart grows heavy this time of year. Those my heart aches so much for my precious Madeline, I know that my God is in control and holds her firm in his grasp just as He holds me tightly.

Thank you for being a shining example of Christ's love for us.

Erica May said...

I will repeat how Kerri feels. I know we have the Fontan coming up and the devil throws up in my face all that can go wrong and at times, I get angry that this has to happen to my baby!! You are such a gift to others! My preacher lost a set of twins years ago and said that although he wishes he had them, he knows he wouldn't be able to talk to others about their loss and really feel their pain if that had not happend! God gives us things that we don't understand, but I thank God that your faithfulness always shines through!!I love you!

Shannon said...

Those were words I needed today. Thank you for sharing your heart, and for giving us a tiny piece of the overwhelming pain you feel so that we can pray exactly for your needs.

Your heart is a true testimony of faith...and such a blessing.

Big hugs friend!

Our Family said...

You are always beautifully strong and I thank you for sharing your heart as it is so much like mine. God bless you!

Jessica said...

Just came across your blog and, I too, lost a daughter soon after her birth. You have put the grief into words so well. It can be overwhelming and all consuming but we just have to pick ourselves up and keep on going each day.
You have a beautiful family and I am so sorry for your loss.