Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Choosing Joy

I've thought about y'all a lot lately. Many times I've wanted to post something...just anything really to keep my friends in cyberworld in the loop. But, nothing has really hit me.
For a while, this "blob" (as Wyatt affectionately calls it) was used as an update on my pregnancy with Annabelle and her time with us. Then, it became my place to publicly grieve and share my heart. I majored in English in college and, thankfully, walked across the stage in my 5th month of pregnancy with Wyatt to grab that degree. So, writing has been my thing. My mom used to tell me when I was putting up another wall to write. I know there are some of you out there who can relate. It's a way of sharing your heart without actually having to say the words...when they are sometimes too hard to even whisper.
I feel lately like I've been standing at a crossroads and not having a clue which way to go. I want to continue this blog journey with you...but I am not sure how- especially now that our lives have changed so much.
I want to share the pain that I've experienced in this past week having to acknowledge that yet another Christmas is approaching and my daughter isn't here. I've made through this once before. I know I can get through it again. HE can get me through it again.
I want you to know that just as much as I hurt and grieve a baby girl that I still desire to know so much about...my heart is FULL! How is it possible to feel empty and overflowing at exactly the same time? I don't know really...it just happens. It has happened with me. It's why I am choosing JOY in the face of the deepest pain that has to be possible.
I've been emotionally preparing myself today for what is to come tomorrow. You may remember our newest Christmas tradition from last year. We are, once again, going to make a special trip to MUSC to deliver Annabelle Baskets to PCICU, insane amounts of goodies to 7C (oh my goodness, y'all I went HOG WILD in Babies R Us), cookies to the staff and a few other little surprises to the families there. It's a special trip and it puts our hearts in precisely the place they need to be heading into Christ's birthday. It gives us a day to remember our girl, too, and to do what HE has called us to do in her name. And as wonderful as all of that is...it's still hard to do at Christmas when I would give anything to have her in our home and ripping into her presents on Christmas morning.
But, just as I am on the verge of a really bad day...Luke giggles hysterically for over five minutes non-stop. He starts me laughing along with him...and then Wyatt...and then I'm about in tears laughing so hard at his precious little chuckles. Oh, what a gift he has been to us already!
This is where I am today...and I wanted to share it with you. You are our "blob" family, after all!


The Hardy Family said...

You are an amazing writer and your words on your "blob" have blessed me in so many ways over the last couple of years. The children and staff will be so incredibly blessed tomorrow! I will be thinking about you. It was fun seeing you today!! Merry Christmas sweet friend!

RHONDA said...

I love your blob and I hope you will keep writing because we love you so much and let's face it we absolutely LOVE those cute lil guys of yours!! I think my pastor said it just right to my friend who just like you lost her baby girl in July 07 and she recently had a new baby boy Brody as well...he told her that God had given her a lil piece of Joy to hold here on earth to help her catch her tears and bring laughter back to her heart. Enjoy your sweet Lil Piece of Joy.. Merry Christmas. Always Praying for you!
Love ya
Rhonda ~

Evie's Story said...

You're on my heart always with each holiday, memory, event and milestone that I know makes your heart ache...my heart is so much fuller for having known that precious angel and her family. Longing for the day we all celebrate this very special Christmas season right alongside her in the presence of our Jesus!

michele said...

Your writing is fabulous. Your journey has been sooo tough I am sure -- but your attitude and faith is so inspiring. And you will bless your children sooo much by choosing JOY!! God bless you!!!