I come to this blog daily...wanting to add so much but not being sure of what to say. For many months, I was able to spill my soul here and find comfort in your comments and supportive friendships across the blog-world. I have been touched deeply by your love for our family and for the ministry of the Annabelle Baskets. I still feel that same comfort but it's changing and it's not what it was almost 2 years ago. Our lives are changing. Our family is changing. I am changing and I want to share that part, too.
I like to have a plan and know which direction I am heading. It's part of being the first born personality, I think. It just comes with who I am and what I want out of life. I like knowing what's coming. My mother hit the nail on the head when she wrote in my baby book that "she doesn't like change" and she had that figured out before I was two! I want a heads up and, usually, like to be the one to be giving the heads up because it was something that I had decided on in the first place. I have learned over and over just how often none of that happens...especially for me, the one who fights change with fists flying. So, as I want so desperately to share my heart with you more often, I just find myself not knowing what to say because I, ultimately, don't know what's going on...just what God has given me today. And, that's little by little starting to be okay by me.
I have met several times, since losing Annabelle, with a mentor who lost her daughter 17 years ago at the age of 17. After her daughter's passing, she went back to college and earned a doctorate in grief counseling. I never understood her exactly except for the fact that I knew I couldn't understand. It wasn't until I was in her shoes that I got it. It's a place you never want to be in and, to quote another mom who lost a daughter, a club you never want to join. It's something that I was just starting to figure out and it's different all over again. I seem to be frozen- not sure of what to do or how to approach the quickly changing future of our family. I was just starting to get brave and okay with answering the dreaded question about how many children I have..."Wyatt has a little sister who we loved on for 2 months and now she is loved on by Jesus"...or, one of my favorite answers was when Wyatt was with my dad for a night and Scott and I were out and we ran into an old friend who asked about our children "They are with their grandparents" (technically, they were...Wyatt with my dad and Annabelle with my mom- I thought that one was clever!). It was just easier to get around those but now it seems so much more complex. Wyatt is constantly being asked if he's excited about being a big brother and he looks at these strangers like they're nuts. He will then whisper to me as we are walking away "but, Mommy I am already a big brother. Don't they know that we're having another baby?" I hurt knowing that it confuses him just as much as it pains me to admit that my second miracle isn't with us.
I am thrilled to pieces to be having another boy. Just as long as our baby is healthy, I could really care less what the gender is. But, a part of me still is so scared of losing another child. Yes, I know all the tests have been wonderful but when you've been where I've been and experienced how quickly everything can change, your heart wants to protect itself so desperately from unimaginable pain again. God bless my husband for the countless nights that I have woken up and asked him to check on Wyatt because I couldn't hear him breathing on the monitor. The reality of what can happen just stares you in the face and satan uses it to inject intense fear into every part of your being. There is a war and the enemy knows my insecurities and has tried and will continue to try to rob this joy that God has given.
So, getting back to my mentor friend...I saw her a month or so ago and told her that I was just having that hardest time trying to figure this all out (naturally). The best advice that I think I've ever been given was shared with me..."Don't try to figure it out. Just embrace it and enjoy it."
That's where I am today...embracing this new normal and enjoying every single kick that sends me into laughter and praying daily and sometimes by the moment for the fear to diminish and for God's hope to fill me to the point where I need absolutely nothing else.