Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Mysterious Ways

I was up at 5:30am this in up and moving around.

If anyone really knows me, then they know that I am not a morning person (in the least). I love to sleep and rarely am awake before 7. I also am fortunate enough to have a "sleeper" of a son who grants me most mornings to do so. Not today...I was up before Scott (just barely) and could not go back to sleep even as hard as I tried. So, when Scott left for work at 5:45, I got up and made good use of my really quiet time alone. (More about this in a minute...)

Yesterday, I had a hard day. Perhaps, thinking about Monday and all that day would have held for us. Annabelle would have been 6 months old on Monday. I am very reflective and more so after the fact. Tuesday evening it hit me hard. I longed for her and sobbed just trying to get through my devotion. WHY??? WHY ME??? WHY HER??? WHY SO MUCH DISAPPOINTMENT??? WHY COULDN'T I HAVE HER FOR JUST 6 MONTHS??? WHY ONLY 2 WHEN I PROMISED YOU MONTHS AGO THAT I WOULD HONOR YOU AND YOUR PLAN FOR US?? HOW COULD YOU TAKE HER SO SOON??? I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD SURELY GIVE US MORE TIME, MORE MEMORIES, MORE MILESTONES FOR CHOOSING YOUR PLAN AND NOT THE OTHERS THAT WERE GIVEN TO US!!

I couldn't focus on my devotion and, instead, decided on praying throughout the afternoon and evening. I think the thing that lead to this even more was Wyatt's constant telling me that he misses her time and time again for the two previous days. One morning he told me that 4 times before he even ate breakfast. Every time that he would say it, we would talk about what we loved doing the most with her and what she may be doing now in Heaven and what we can do with her when we join her. He loves to talk about holding her and playing with her and getting her toys. He also mentions that he didn't like "when her throwed up". He mentions that one a lot...I guess because it happened a lot.

Now, I am one to let God know my own fears and hurt...because I know He can handle it. But, it's harder for me to hurt for my son, too. I just got plain mad. And believe it or not, the anger was at her throwing up. Couldn't God have given us a little less of that so that it's not one of the main things that my 4 year old remembers about his little sister? Wyatt is wondering what she eats and why I tell him she doesn't throw it up in Heaven. So, here we praying for throw up and the lack of my daughter being able to eat on earth.

Well, I began by opening my Bible this morning after continuing my prayers from yesterday. As I opened the front cover, two very precious laminated cards fell of Scott and my wedding announcement and the other of Annabelle's obituary (both of which were in the paper and a member of our church saved, laminated, and gave to us). I decided to read some of my favorite Psalms this morning and went to stick the cards back in my Bible. The first time I went to put them in, I opened to the story of the Dead Girl and Sick Woman in Matthew...I wasn't interested and immediately went to stick them in another spot. Well, I again land on the story of the Dead Girl and Sick Woman but this time in Luke...I think God is trying to tell me something at this point so I read it.

"Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed..."

Yes, Lord, I hear You. I believe You. She is healed completely.

"Stop wailing..."

I am listening. I am quiet in Your presence and...

"He took her by the hand..."

Oh Precious Saviour, you held her hand the whole way and guided her right into your arms.

"Her spirit returned..."

Thank you, Jesus. She is alive in You and lives eternally in your holy dwelling place.

"then Jesus told them to give her something to eat."

Father, you have calmed the storms in my mind and put peace in my heart. You have fed our beautiful baby girl...thank you, Sweet Jesus, thank you.

This was all the proof that I needed to handle the questions of the day from a very curious and very intelligent little 4 year old.

As I go to bed tonight (probably very soon), I will be thankful for my early morning and the blessing and the peace that was bestowed upon me in those hours. Who knows...this may just make me a morning person after all...


Anonymous said...

Rebecca, you are amazing :) and your faith is an inspiration to so many people.
Thinking of you often.
Love you girlie!

Anonymous said...

You are so amazing. I love reading your story about your little baby girl and the strength you have. You are such an inspiration and I pray for you and your family. I feel like I know you, but have never met you. Thank you for allowing me to read your stories and grow closer to your testimony of Christ.

♥ Michele ♥ said...

I check your blog often, even though Annabelle is gone because I wonder how you are dealing with your loss. I think you are doing an amazing job. It is only natural to ask 'WHY'? You turning to your faith is a testament to what a great person you are and how you are choosing to handle your burden. My thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post! But I am not counting on your becoming a morning person any time soon!! HAHA! :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your faith journey with all who read. Your words motivate, comfort, and inspire me. Ohh, the question that can consume our thoughts...why, oh why? You are so right to share the importance of having open dialogue with God and letting him talk to us. Sometimes I get so worked up, I forget to listen to his voice. His Almighty Voice.
I love that you always paint a picture in my mind of Annabelle and Wyatt in Heaven. You put peace into my heart...thank you.
Love, Beth Adkins

Anonymous said...


Your constant and strong faith is so inspiring! I have been thinking of you so often this past week. I pray daily for all of you.

Elizabeth Green

GrannyApple said...

Rebecca, You don't know me but you wrote on my granddaugther's blog yesterday, Lindsay Groen. After reading Annabelle's story, I felt like I was reliving Lindsay's story. You have blessed my heart so and I pray that my daughter, Laura, will be able to get in touch with you because you both have so much in common. God is so good, even when life stinks. I miss our Lindsay "bear" so much, but realize that Jesus is taking care of them and that their hearts are new and working great. I know Lindsay and Annabelle are friends. The other thing is that your last name is spelled the same way my mother-in-laws maiden name was spelled and wondered if you are related is some way. My mother-in-laws parents were Jacob and Bertha Buchter and lived in the Philadelphia area. Anyway, God's world is great but yet so small. I will pray for you and your family as well during these most difficult days. Psalms 62:5-8 My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my savaltion and my glory rest; the rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.
God bless you and your family,
Jan Welte, Lindsay's Granny

The Ridgway Family said...

I am also so thankful for the Lord's love and peace that he gives us in our difficult moments. I know how heart breaking it is to field the questions for our little one's siblings. You are such an inspiration to me as to how you handle everything. I pray that the Lord will continue to wrap you in his loving arms and guide you.


The Price Family! said...

You do not know me and I was going through some diffrent blogs and stumbled upon yours. You are such an amazing person. Your faith is so strong and so pure. A very close person to me lost her son at the age of 16 two months ago. ANd she is having a very hared time. IN your latest blog you have some very good points and I would like to ask if I may share this with her.

my life: said...

I have just found you....I'm so very sorry for your loss....we have a heart baby as well. Your words bring so much comfort and assurance....thank you for sharing.

Unknown said...

Absolutely amazing! Children have a special way of getting to our innermost feelings, no matter how deep they are, and bringing them to light for us to deal with. They have a knack of doing it at the perfect moment even though we don't know it at the time. Hindsight is 20/20. In retrospect I can think of many times my children were trying to tell me something way beyond their years. How could they possibly understand? Your Wyatt, I do believe, has that special gift. My dear Grandmother passed on her birthday some years ago. My then 2yr old told us that she was happy in heaven. She was eating cake and opening presents. She was happy. How could a 2yr old process and comprehend how much my grandmother loved special occasions/holidays-all of them? This brought enormous peace to my mother when she needed it most. She needed to know she was ok, made it there (heaven) "safe". My Grandmother also believed that very young children could see and hear the angels. So see, it all comes full circle. God works in mysterious ways no doubt!! I am still praying for your family and think of you often. Take care!
Staci Klotz

Anonymous said...

Rebecca, You are such a beautiful have such a passion and strength that I am so inspired by (sniff sniff)...I never had the chance to meet precious Annabelle, but your writings allow me to experience her through your endless love and is amazing what strength we receive from our Lord when we need it the most...I continue to pray for you and your family ~ xoxo ~ Love Shanlee Perrone (

Anonymous said...

Dear Rebecca,
You don't know me, I am a friend of Laura & Jon's who lost their daughter Lindsay in May. I found your blog through checking their's... I was touched by just beginning to read of your story and Annabelle's homegoing. I look forward to reading more... as a mom, my heart grieves for your loss. When I think of you & Laura & the daughters you knew & the dreams you had for them... dreams that wiill not come to pass on this earth. Yet in the midst of your storm, I am blessed as I read & witness your faith & strength through our Lord. I pray that He will continue to bind up your brokenheart & bless you in the days ahead. Thank you for your encouragement & your testimony to others.

One of my favorite passages in Scripture is Psalm 27:4
"One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek;
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple."

Annabelle & Lindsay are doing just that. I look forward to meeting you, your family & Annabelle one day in HIS presence!
Donna Bitler (NJ)