I was up at 5:30am this morning...as in up and moving around.
If anyone really knows me, then they know that I am not a morning person (in the least). I love to sleep and rarely am awake before 7. I also am fortunate enough to have a "sleeper" of a son who grants me most mornings to do so. Not today...I was up before Scott (just barely) and could not go back to sleep even as hard as I tried. So, when Scott left for work at 5:45, I got up and made good use of my really quiet time alone. (More about this in a minute...)
Yesterday, I had a hard day. Perhaps, thinking about Monday and all that day would have held for us. Annabelle would have been 6 months old on Monday. I am very reflective and more so after the fact. Tuesday evening it hit me hard. I longed for her and sobbed just trying to get through my devotion. WHY??? WHY ME??? WHY HER??? WHY SO MUCH DISAPPOINTMENT??? WHY COULDN'T I HAVE HER FOR JUST 6 MONTHS??? WHY ONLY 2 WHEN I PROMISED YOU MONTHS AGO THAT I WOULD HONOR YOU AND YOUR PLAN FOR US?? HOW COULD YOU TAKE HER SO SOON??? I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD SURELY GIVE US MORE TIME, MORE MEMORIES, MORE MILESTONES FOR CHOOSING YOUR PLAN AND NOT THE OTHERS THAT WERE GIVEN TO US!!
I couldn't focus on my devotion and, instead, decided on praying throughout the afternoon and evening. I think the thing that lead to this even more was Wyatt's constant telling me that he misses her time and time again for the two previous days. One morning he told me that 4 times before he even ate breakfast. Every time that he would say it, we would talk about what we loved doing the most with her and what she may be doing now in Heaven and what we can do with her when we join her. He loves to talk about holding her and playing with her and getting her toys. He also mentions that he didn't like "when her throwed up". He mentions that one a lot...I guess because it happened a lot.
Now, I am one to let God know my own fears and hurt...because I know He can handle it. But, it's harder for me to hurt for my son, too. I just got plain mad. And believe it or not, the anger was at her throwing up. Couldn't God have given us a little less of that so that it's not one of the main things that my 4 year old remembers about his little sister? Wyatt is wondering what she eats and why I tell him she doesn't throw it up in Heaven. So, here we go...me praying for throw up and the lack of my daughter being able to eat on earth.
Well, I began by opening my Bible this morning after continuing my prayers from yesterday. As I opened the front cover, two very precious laminated cards fell out...one of Scott and my wedding announcement and the other of Annabelle's obituary (both of which were in the paper and a member of our church saved, laminated, and gave to us). I decided to read some of my favorite Psalms this morning and went to stick the cards back in my Bible. The first time I went to put them in, I opened to the story of the Dead Girl and Sick Woman in Matthew...I wasn't interested and immediately went to stick them in another spot. Well, I again land on the story of the Dead Girl and Sick Woman but this time in Luke...I think God is trying to tell me something at this point so I read it.
"Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed..."
Yes, Lord, I hear You. I believe You. She is healed completely.
I am listening. I am quiet in Your presence and...
"He took her by the hand..."
Oh Precious Saviour, you held her hand the whole way and guided her right into your arms.
"Her spirit returned..."
Thank you, Jesus. She is alive in You and lives eternally in your holy dwelling place.
"then Jesus told them to give her something to eat."
Father, you have calmed the storms in my mind and put peace in my heart. You have fed our beautiful baby girl...thank you, Sweet Jesus, thank you.
This was all the proof that I needed to handle the questions of the day from a very curious and very intelligent little 4 year old.
As I go to bed tonight (probably very soon), I will be thankful for my early morning and the blessing and the peace that was bestowed upon me in those hours. Who knows...this may just make me a morning person after all...