Thursday, March 26, 2020

{The Day Before}

There really aren't rules for grief.  Sure, there are steps...and stages...and whatever else someone wants to call them.  But, ultimately, grief is personal and every single journey through is going to be different.  So many, through the years, have reached out to me for ideas of ways to help others who are walking through grief...especially in regards to losing a child.  I can tell you the books I've read and the ones that I've put in the trash.  I can tell you the songs that give me hope and the songs that take me back and make me relive it in ways I just don't want to.  Really's going to be different for every person and some things may be comforting to someone and offensive to me and vice versa.

But, there are a few things that I do know...and that's that dates like the one we have to face tomorrow are just plain hard.  And, the day leading up to it can seem even harder.  Knowing that 12 years ago today was the last day I had with my daughter and I didn't even know it.  I didn't get a warning that she wouldn't be in my arms by lunch the next day...and that I'd be washing the last load of clothes of hers and picking out the gown for her to be buried in instead of which onesie she'd spit up on first that day.  There are some things I wish I had done differently and some that I am so thankful we did exactly the way we did.

I remember Scott sitting on the sofa almost the moment after he walked in the door from work and just letting her sleep on him for hours.  I remember her waking up during the night and, instead of putting her back in her bassinet in our bedroom after I got her settled down, I sat up and held her for hours during the night just simply in awe that she was even here and alive with all she had endured.  We took it easy and I let the little things go that evening before...and I'm so glad we did.

A sweet text from a friend today who gets it letting me know that she was praying for me today...knowing that the day before can be hard and result in being completely undone.  Choosing today to take lessons from a dozen years ago and slow down...letting things go that I could like the house being perfectly in order and dinner being another massive undertaking and just enjoying the fact that we are together...

...playing basketball with the homemade goal that my Bear made for us... {yes, that is a gluten free pizza box at the backboard and potted plant container for the goal...his creativity astounds me!}

...and decorating the driveway dressed in princess attire with chalk filled hands...

...and just being thankful that the sun is shining and tomorrow will be whatever it will.  Because, if I've learned anything, I know that having any expectations for tomorrow is too I'm focusing on the day before. to grab that cake out of the oven for breakfast tomorrow...because we may not have enjoyed a party 12 years ago, but my Belle absolutely cake for breakfast, it is.  And then who knows...

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