Today is Thursday…it was on a Thursday morning two years ago that I held my daughter for the last time alive, that I changed her diaper, heard her cry, saw her smile, dressed her perfectly and felt her cheek against mine. I didn’t know it would be the last time.
I am angry. I have a right to be. It isn’t fair, it isn’t right that a mother should ever endure life without the very one that she birthed.
I busied myself like crazy yesterday. I withdrew at times. I tried to pray but I just didn’t have words. I found myself rocking my littlest miracle and just asking God to read my mind because I just couldn’t find it in my heart to speak of the pain I was feeling. I know He knows it whether I speak it or not.
After the boys were in bed and I had realized that I had shut even my husband out emotionally, I took a shower to try to wash some of the pain away. It didn’t go away. Instead, HE drew me even closer.
He asked me to stop. He brought me to HIS word. And He spoke.
David cried out to GOD in Psalm 13 asking “How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?”
These are my thoughts exactly. I am filled with a longing that I know will never go away. I feel so alone in my grief sometimes. I want my pain, my loss to bear weight and be recognized. I want to know that HE cares and that HE hears my cries…just as David did.
I had to chuckle a little when I read these first few verses knowing that GOD had this scripture planned for me to read at just the right time. Scott was standing nearby and asked me to share. I read them aloud to him…emphasizing the those questions over and over.
Then, I continued toward the end of the Psalm. In the midst of so much anger, David spills his heart out to GOD and then follows it by saying “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.”
Yes, Lord, yes.
This balancing act of anger and joy, loss and redemption, sadness and laughter…it’s understood, it’s realized, it’s shared.