Thursday, March 25, 2010

Word of God Speak…

Today is Thursday…it was on a Thursday morning two years ago that I held my daughter for the last time alive, that I changed her diaper, heard her cry, saw her smile, dressed her perfectly and felt her cheek against mine.  I didn’t know it would be the last time.

I am angry.  I have a right to be.  It isn’t fair, it isn’t right that a mother should ever endure life without the very one that she birthed. 

I busied myself like crazy yesterday.  I withdrew at times.  I tried to pray but I just didn’t have words.  I found myself rocking my littlest miracle and just asking God to read my mind because I just couldn’t find it in my heart to speak of the pain I was feeling.  I know He knows it whether I speak it or not.

After the boys were in bed and I had realized that I had shut even my husband out emotionally, I took a shower to try to wash some of the pain away.  It didn’t go away.  Instead, HE drew me even closer.

He asked me to stop.  He brought me to HIS word.  And He spoke.

David cried out to GOD in Psalm 13 asking “How long, O LORD?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?”

These are my thoughts exactly.  I am filled with a longing that I know will never go away.  I feel so alone in my grief sometimes.  I want my pain, my loss to bear weight and be recognized.  I want to know that HE cares and that HE hears my cries…just as David did.

I had to chuckle a little when I read these first few verses knowing that GOD had this scripture planned for me to read at just the right time.  Scott was standing nearby and asked me to share.  I read them aloud to him…emphasizing the those questions over and over. 

Then, I continued toward the end of the Psalm.  In the midst of so much anger, David spills his heart out to GOD and then follows it by saying “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.” 

Yes, Lord, yes.

This balancing act of anger and joy, loss and redemption, sadness and laughter…it’s understood, it’s realized, it’s shared. 


Rebecca said...

Love you, friend!

jan tompkins said...

Thinking of all of you today and always. God loves you and so do we!

Kacy said...

Oh, Rebecca, dear friend, I have been thinking of you so often this month. Thank you for sharing such a strong and beautiful testimony today. You are simply amazing. Love to you always, Kerri

Tommy, Erica, Addie Kate, and Andrew said...

Bless your heart! My heart is just aching for you, but I find so much inspiration in all that you do and how you find God in all of these circumstances. You are such a wonderful woman!

Unknown said...

I have a heart angel, too. Her name is Cora. You have a hard anniversary coming up in a few days. I'm here for you. Someone sent me a link to your blog. Lots of love. xoxo

Danielle @ Living Out Loud said...

Thank you, Lord, for giving Rebecca YOUR words at exactly the time that she needed to hear them!

Sweet friend, my heart breaks for you in so many ways. You and Annabelle have not been far from my mind, even in the past 2 days. I am continuing to hold you and your family in my prayers as you survive the upcoming days....

Lord, continue to speak to Rebecca in the coming days... give her the exact words and more than enough grace to live through the upcoming days amidst both unspeakable sadness and miraculous joy.

Thank you, Rebecca, for sharing your heart. You continue to inspire and uplift so many people through your beautiful words and remarkable faith.

Love to you...

Ashlee Tomes said...

Praying for you and grieving with you... I am here for you.

I love you,

The Hardy Family said...

Praying for you! Love you, sweet friend!