Wednesday, January 27, 2010

To my daughter...

My dearest baby girl,

I can hardy believe that you will be turning 2 tomorrow! It seems just like yesterday that I was holding your daddy’s hand as we both cried on the way to the hospital listening to a CD that I made just before Christmas of songs to renew our hope in God’s Plan for your little life. We prayed on the way and somehow God gave us the strength to keep driving. We knew that we had to have you but, if it were up to me, I would have kept you kicking around in my belly as long as I could. You always were the bouncer…Wyatt rolled around more and Luke tried to perform gymnastics. But, you, my sweet girl…you were the one who gently showed your strength. I waddled up to the hospital in the dark hours of the morning and put on a happy face. As scared as I was, there was an unspeakable joy in having you that chilly Monday morning. I had waited all my life to have my own little girl and you were almost here. Your porcelain heart only made you all the more special.

You came out screaming and we were told that you had very strong lungs. I could hear you through the closed doors crying. It was one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard. I wept on the operating table…knowing that you had made it already this far. You were in God’s Hands from the moment He formed you, my angel, and you always will be. That alone gives Mommy the greatest joy! It gets me through days like today when I anticipate what tomorrow will bring without you here to celebrate with us.

Oh my love, I try so hard to imagine what you are experiencing but I just can’t. My mind wasn’t made to comprehend something so perfect.

Your big brother has been waiting for your birthday to get here all month long! He has so much fun picking out your birthday plates and helping me make cupcakes. Last year, he chose princesses for you, Bella Boo. So appropriate for my baby girl! You truly do live like a little princess now! I have to remind myself so very often that God is giving you a life that, even under the best circumstances here, we never could have come close to giving you. You, my doll, were shown such tender mercy from the One Who loves you best!

Mommy’s heart longs to do so much more for you on your 2nd birthday…you know mommy can be a bit of an over-planner, don’t you? Your big brother has already put me to work on his 6th birthday party…baseball. Doesn’t surprise you a bit, does it? And, I’ve thought we’ll have a monkey themed party for your little brother’s 1st birthday. After all, I’ve got some great ideas for it and I am thinking he won’t care too much for monkeys by the time he’s 2! He loves your Wyatt, sweet girl! You made Wyatt the protective, loving big brother that he is. As much as he loves his little Lukie, he misses you so much. He’s yet to not mention you in his night time prayers…always asking God to give you a great big kiss and a hug and tell you that he loves you. You must get kissed a thousand times a day for all the times we think of you, my love.

It hurts so much to not be able to plan the perfect party for you, pretty girl. I still on occasion buy things that I just can’t resist in shades of pink. I think of you when I do. I know you aren’t here but you are still in our hearts…it’s my way of remembering you and all the fun I had shopping for you.

How is my mommy? Has she put you down yet? You know she always said that what she would miss the most was not getting the chance to be a grandparent. Little did she know that she would get my Annabelle! She’s the best, isn’t she? I realize more and more everyday just how much she taught me in the 16 years she raised me. I’m more like her than I thought…a true honor.

Your daddy and I were talking about you the other night…about your days with us. Tomorrow begins your days, babydoll. They will always be your days to us…as we journey from your birthday to your Jesus day we remember you every step of the way. Mommy kept a journal of the things that I was thankful for each day that I had you with me. Last year, I enjoyed reading those each day to be reminded of every little gift we were given in your time with us. I have pulled the journal out again and look forward to sharing in those precious, precious memories. Some are hard and most bring tears, but all are gifts of grace. I cling so tightly to them…knowing that one day my thanksgiving will come in mightier ways than I can ever imagine…and you will be there.

My sweetheart, you weren’t made for this world. You, my angel, were made for Glory! We know that now and, as much as it hurts to be without you, we are so, so thankful.

Because of you, precious little love, I am holding on to Hope, clinging to the Cross, praising God for every day that brings me one day closer to you and celebrating every tiny little blessing along the way!

I will love you always and long for the day to have you in my arms again.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Annabelle!

Love forever~ Mommy