Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The past few days I have been consumed by my grief. It usually hits me a few days after I expect it to. Like last year for Annabelle's first birthday. I was fine on her birthday and got through it much better than I thought I would but three days later, I melted. It came on pretty quickly and I found myself unable to stop crying in the shower. The water blended with the tears. I felt safe to let go there. I thought the sound of the shower would cover up my least to those around me. I was wrong. Scott heard me and had to turn off the water and physically help me move.

I have learned that it's those times that are supposed to be big memory makers that also hurt the most. Birthdays. Holidays. And, well, baby dedications. It just so happens that two of those three are all happening in a matter of one week for our family. I thought I could handle it now. You know, now that I have another baby. But, it's not that simple and it never will be.

Sunday was beautiful...Luke giggled on cue as always and the drop-in was a precious time to spend with those closest to us. The day really couldn't have gone any better. As I was planning everything, I wanted it to be all about Luke. And it was. He needed a day planned just for him and the joy that he's brought to our family. But, something...someone was missing...and everytime that something so special in our family takes place I want her there so badly. It never gets easier. It may lessen for a while or in between milestones but it never totally goes away.

Honestly, I don't want it to. I know that my grief and my tears are because of the love I have for her. I don't want that to ever go away either. So, I take them both and understand that the love for her goes with the pain of least on this side of Heaven.

Along with the depth of my grief comes satan's ploys to harden my heart. Yes, I am upset at losing my daughter. The enemy knows that and he tries to play on it...a lot...and pull me away from God. He tells me lies... that God doesn't care about my pain and that I'm better off being angry.

This morning, I needed to see God...

Wyatt, Luke and I went to put a turkey hairbow on Annabelle's angel at her special place. Every time that we visit since March 2008, we would have a little visitor there with us...a mocking bird. The birdie watches us while we are there. It's meant a lot to us to see it every time we go. It's been a gift from God...a little gift of Grace. It was either on the roof of the building or in a tree we pass or sitting on the bench. In the past two months, it hasn't been there. I thought that maybe since God had given us Luke that he was now to be our little ray of hope. This morning as I was walking up to her spot, I thought to myself that I wish that little birdie still came around. I needed it...espeically today.

Well, I changed her hairbow and cleaned up a little and headed back to the van. No bird...

As I was about to drive off a mocking bird flew right in front of me and landed on the grass close to Annabelle...followed by another.

I was brought to tears just knowing that I serve a GOD who knows my thoughts before I do and cares so much about them that He sends birds as gifts from Him to prove to me that I am special. My grief is not too big for Him. My pain matters. And He holds every tear I've cried in the palm of His hand...and the other hand...well, He's holding my daughter in it.

And for those reasons alone, I will give thanks.


The Simmons Family said...

Beautifully written. I'm glad Luke's day was wonderful! I'm glad that God showed you that he was listening. Most of all, I know Annabelle was listening and misses you too.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Erica May said...

What a handsome little man! I don't know if you got my message, but you came upon my heart yesterday and I called to talk to you. Isn't God good? He always provides what we need.(in His time)
I love you all and pray that you have a great Holiday! I am here if you need me!

Jill Stauffer said... continue to be an inspiration! You already beautifully wrote any words that could comfort you, so I will leave it at that. May you and your family be strengthened, encouraged, and blessed during this Thanksgiving and Christmas season, and continue to see and feel God's love each day. We would love to see you and the boys at the old preschool!

The Hardy Family said...

I love you!

Rebecca said...

Happy Thanksgiving! You are an inspiration!

Brandi Leonhardt said...

You are amazing Rebecca! I do the same thing - I always break down a couple days after a significant date. I hope you guys have a very happy Thanksgiving - your family is in my thoughts and prayers!

Luke is adorable - I love the new pictures!

Shannon said...

You always bring me to tears! Praying that you will feel God's arms wrapped tightly around you when you need him most, and always.

We're always praying for your beautiful family. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!


Katie said...

Happy Thanksgiving...God is so good and He always knows what we need and when we need it. It's reassuring knowing how great His love is for us.

Hugs to you all and enjoy your turkey day with those cute boys of yours!!!

Evie's Story said...

Times like these, words fail me. I always carry you in my heart, but these holidays, I KNOW bring a wash of grief and I wish that there were some comfort I could offer. Know you are dearly loved my strong, precious friend. You amazing mother of three!

Connie Toole said...

Praying that God will continue to guide your path and will continue to give you peace, comfort, and joy which you are so deserving of!! I can relate some what about what you say about the devil always trying to put doubt and sadness into our minds

Praying that God will continue to give you peace and joy through the Holiday Season!! We love all of you so very much!! You have been such a good friend to Erica and I really appreciate that. Love to the family, Connie Toole (Emerson May's Nana- Erica May's Mom)


Danielle @ Living Out Loud said...

Once again, your beautiful words and inspirational faith in the midst of sadness, has brought me to tears.

You have been on my heart recently as it was almost one year ago that I "met" you and Annabelle through this blog. I vividly remember reading your Thanksgiving post from last year and weeping FOR you over the smocked turkey dress hanging in the closet. This very week, as I shopped in Target for a small tree for Emily's room, the image of Annabelle's white tree with the little bows on it immediately came to my mind.

It was those grief-filled, yet faith-filled, words that I read a year ago that initially drew me to you and Annabelle... and it is those same beautiful words that inspire me today... inspire me to live in the present, to love without fear, and to CHOOSE to be thankful in ALL things.

My heart aches for you so often, but even more so during this holiday season. I wish I had something to say that would somehow ease your hurt. I don't. I can only tell you that I am personally THANKFUL for you, for your faith, for your inspiration, for your example, and for your courage to share your beautiful daughter and her story with all of us!

Wishing you a very blessed holiday season... complete with lots of matching outfits for those two precious boys!

Love, Danielle