The past few days I have been consumed by my grief. It usually hits me a few days after I expect it to. Like last year for Annabelle's first birthday. I was fine on her birthday and got through it much better than I thought I would but three days later, I melted. It came on pretty quickly and I found myself unable to stop crying in the shower. The water blended with the tears. I felt safe to let go there. I thought the sound of the shower would cover up my pain...at least to those around me. I was wrong. Scott heard me and had to turn off the water and physically help me move.
I have learned that it's those times that are supposed to be big memory makers that also hurt the most. Birthdays. Holidays. And, well, baby dedications. It just so happens that two of those three are all happening in a matter of one week for our family. I thought I could handle it now. You know, now that I have another baby. But, it's not that simple and it never will be.
Sunday was beautiful...Luke giggled on cue as always and the drop-in was a precious time to spend with those closest to us. The day really couldn't have gone any better. As I was planning everything, I wanted it to be all about Luke. And it was. He needed a day planned just for him and the joy that he's brought to our family. But, something...someone was missing...and everytime that something so special in our family takes place I want her there so badly. It never gets easier. It may lessen for a while or in between milestones but it never totally goes away.
Honestly, I don't want it to. I know that my grief and my tears are because of the love I have for her. I don't want that to ever go away either. So, I take them both and understand that the love for her goes with the pain of loss...at least on this side of Heaven.
Along with the depth of my grief comes satan's ploys to harden my heart. Yes, I am upset at losing my daughter. The enemy knows that and he tries to play on it...a lot...and pull me away from God. He tells me lies... that God doesn't care about my pain and that I'm better off being angry.
This morning, I needed to see God...
Wyatt, Luke and I went to put a turkey hairbow on Annabelle's angel at her special place. Every time that we visit since March 2008, we would have a little visitor there with us...a mocking bird. The birdie watches us while we are there. It's meant a lot to us to see it every time we go. It's been a gift from God...a little gift of Grace. It was either on the roof of the building or in a tree we pass or sitting on the bench. In the past two months, it hasn't been there. I thought that maybe since God had given us Luke that he was now to be our little ray of hope. This morning as I was walking up to her spot, I thought to myself that I wish that little birdie still came around. I needed it...espeically today.
Well, I changed her hairbow and cleaned up a little and headed back to the van. No bird...
As I was about to drive off a mocking bird flew right in front of me and landed on the grass close to Annabelle...followed by another.
I was brought to tears just knowing that I serve a GOD who knows my thoughts before I do and cares so much about them that He sends birds as gifts from Him to prove to me that I am special. My grief is not too big for Him. My pain matters. And He holds every tear I've cried in the palm of His hand...and the other hand...well, He's holding my daughter in it.
And for those reasons alone, I will give thanks.