Today, I cried at the pediatrician's office.
My mother's instinct told me that something just wasn't quite right with Andie-Grace.
She laid her head on my shoulder and wanted to cuddle me after Sunday School yesterday. That is, unfortunately, not normal. Oh, how I wish I could say that is was...but she's been neglected for so long that hugs and kisses and cuddling just don't come naturally to her. Plus, she's much too nosy to let a good trip down the church hallway go unnoticed.
Immediately, my gut said something was going on.
We came home for lunch. She ate like a champ. She napped well. She played hard. And she went right down at bedtime. Still something...Someone...told me differently.
I mentioned to Scott late last night that I was going to call to take her in just in case....
So after a full 12 hours of restful sleep for our baby girl, I still called to get her seen.
Our new to us, ever attentive, proactive, Jesus following pediatrician came into the room just as Andie-Grace was prancing around and dancing to Kristian Stanfill's new song "Take It All". The boys were playing air guitar and air drums and we were making the best of our wait. Dr. B looked at her parading all around the exam room full of smiles and said "Um, she's not feeling well?"
"Well, I don't really know." I responded "But, something in me said to bring her in just in case. She's really hard to read."
He popped her up on the examination table and listened to her little ticker...noting her murmur...and letting her play with his otoscope.
"Lungs sound good and clear." He said.
Then, he took one peek in her ear and said "Wow!"
Mama's instinct was right....
Baby girl had so much puss in her ear that he couldn't even find the ear drum.
He asked again...sleeping ok?...pulling at it at all?....
Then, I responded "You know, when you come from a hard place like she has....."
He interrupted..."It changes things, doesn't it?"
"It changes everything."
And I cried...for her...and for so many more...
She doesn't know to cry for help. She doesn't know to let me know she's hurting. She doesn't understand that having an ear full of puss isn't normal. She copes. She sucks it up. She goes about life thankful for toys and food and a mattress and a family.
Her past changes everything.
Oh my darling girl, I long for the day when you can tell me how much it hurts. When you cry to me and know that I will answer. When you know the difference between brokenness and the promise Christ has already given you. When pain is filled with joy...and loss is full of hope. He has redeemed you. He has set you apart. He has called you by name. You are His...and nothing will ever separate you from the hope found in Him. You are home, precious one. Safe in the arms of the very ones He had planned for you from the beginning of time...and we will do this together. After all, you do have the most adoring big brothers in the world...and a light in your eyes that has finally ignited.