"His Plan is Divine"...these are the only words that I could think of as I watched the nurses at the pediatricians's office, the EMS workers and the medical team at Lexington Medical Center try to save Annabelle. I tried to pray but those were the only words that would come to me- the only words that were laid on my heart to pray.
We knew that every day would be a gift with Annabelle and we treated them as such. We wished there were more but trust that God's plan for her life was fulfilled in 8 weeks and 3 days. I look back at the days before her flight to heaven and see so many things that God gave us as sacred memories. I think about Annabelle snuggling belly to belly on Scott Wednesday night. She had spent most of the day awake and cuddled right up on her daddy after dinner. I remember sitting across the room from them and thinking how perfect the two of them looked together. After her 11pm feed, I held her and we snuggled all night. I tried to lay her down while I got ready to take her for her 2 month checkup but she knew that I was putting her down and woke up. Scott held her the rest of the morning until we left. She gave a new meaning to the words "high maintenance" and knew she had mommy and daddy wrapped around her little pinky finger. I wouldn't trade one second with her for any of the pain that we are going through now. She would usually fall asleep as soon as she started a feed and her belly got full. Wednesday afternoon Wyatt was taking a nap (which he doesn't usually do anymore) and I began Annabelle on her 2pm feed. I was holding her and turned on the television thinking that she would doze off soon. Not that day. I noticed that she was staring at me and taking in every detail she observed. I turned off the television. Annabelle and I spent over 45 minutes just staring at each other...I talked to her and she laughed. It was a blessing that I will never forget. Little did I know that would be the last day with her, the last night for Scott and her to snuggle on the couch, and the last night that she would sleep in my arms.
Wyatt makes a wish on every dandelion that he sees that "Annabelle will come back down". He is such a protective big brother and took such great care of her. I regularly would have to ask him to get out of her face because he kissed her constantly. He is starting to open up about everything and we are all slowly working through our tremendous loss.
In all of this, I am reminded that God suffered the death of His own son and knows the pain that I feel. He ordained every day that she was with us. He could have allowed her to live, but He didn't and I have to honor that. I trusted His plan in August when we learned of her fragile heart and I trust Him now. I am convinced that that is why those were the only words that I could speak...because as much as I hurt and have hurted and will continue to hurt for my daughter, I know that His Plan is Divine.