“I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders.” Psalm 9:1
13 years ago this morning, I loaded up my two babies and headed for what was supposed to be a routine well visit at the pediatrician’s office. After spending months in the specialist’s office multiple times a week during my pregnancy, giving birth in a hospital so my daughter could have immediate access to their pediatric cardiology ICU, a 10 hour open heart surgery, feeding tube operation, living in a step down unit with her, around the clock medication schedule, being trained in CPR just to bring her home and so much more, this was finally going to be something normal. Little did I know, sleeping safely in her car seat and bundled up in the blanket her Daddy had just tucked her in with before we walked out the door early that morning, she was holding her big brother’s hand and drifting into the arms of Jesus.
A flurry of teams worked to bring her back. Every doctor stopped immediately seeing their patients and filled the room doing any and everything they could. So much of that morning, I still don’t have the vocabulary for and the trauma is truly too intimate to share publicly…but God, in a voice almost audible to me, nudged me to pick up my son who had just run behind me from the parking lot confused and afraid and He whispered, “She is mine. He is yours.”.
The EMS ride, ER experience and people that came are a mostly blur…but walking in the door to an empty home with my husband and turning on music immediately to drown out the silence are very vivid. Come Thou Fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace…streams of mercy never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise”. I stood looking out at the gorgeous spring day and wept. He had always met me with music. Today, He reintroduced me to a song I’d sang since childhood and that would forever be the song of my heart.
I sat down to a table of photo cards, tidying up the space I knew would soon be filled with family. I’d ordered them just days before and begun the evening prior addressing them to the growing list of nearly 300 people I needed to thank for serving our family in one way or another. Three photos of my daughter and our new little family and the Scripture listed above. I looked at Scott and said “Am I supposed to send these out now? Praising God with all our hearts now that our daughter is gone?” His response, “Well, she certainly is.”
We determined then to focus on the miracle of March 27th. It doesn’t make today, 13 years later, any easier. My heart is shattered and has spaces that will never be repaired and, because of the brokenness and all He teaches me through it, I can say “Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it…seal it for Thy courts above”…where, one day, this will all make sense and pain will only be a memory…and all His wonders will be right in front of our eyes.